Invision a family after the loss of their mother. They get along well. No obvious conflict, no long-standing disputes just three adult children trying to work through what needed to be done. Their mother had named her oldest daughter, “Sarah,” as trustee and agent under her power of attorney. No one questioned it at the time. Sarah lived nearby and had always mom’s “go-to”.
But as we started talking through next steps, it became clear things weren’t as straightforward. Sarah was all about relationships. She showed up, she cared, she was dependable. But finances were not her forte. She didn’t feel comfortable making financial decisions that affected her mother and later her siblings. At one point she said, “I know I’m supposed to know what I’m doing… but I don’t.”
Her younger brother, David, sat quietly for a while before finally saying, “I can help with the financial side.” He’s an accountant. Numbers, systems, documentation, that’s his world. He lives out of state and had never been the one their mom leaned on day-to-day, so mom assumed that Sarah was a more logical choice.
In this scenario, the person chosen and the responsibilities involved didn’t quite line up. This situation is more common than you might think.
In families, roles develop naturally over time. There’s the one who stays close to home, the one who steps in during a crisis, the one who keeps everyone connected. Those roles matter but they don’t always translate well into legal responsibility.
Being a trustee, agent, or personal representative is not an honor…it’s a job, a demanding one.
An attorney-in-fact, for example, is a fiduciary. That means they are legally required to act in someone else’s best interest, manage finances carefully, keep records, and make prudent decisions. There is real responsibility and real liability attached to that role. This isn’t “helping out.” It’s stepping into a position where mistakes carry consequences.
And yet, many people make these decisions with one goal in mind: not hurting anyone’s feelings.
“I don’t want one child to feel left out.”
“They’ll be upset if I don’t name them.”
“It’s just easier to treat everyone the same.” (Don’t get me started about joint agents!!)
Those instincts are understandable. But they can lead to decisions that create more problems than they avoid. Because assigning someone to a role they are not equipped to handle doesn’t spare their feelings it puts them in a scary position. It can leave them overwhelmed, uncertain, and exposed to responsibility for which they are not equipped. In some cases, it’s not just stressful it’s unfair.
I have seen families where a child who struggles with organization or financial decision-making is placed in charge of complex responsibilities, simply to avoid a difficult conversation. What follows is the opposite of harmony it’s delays, broken relationships and sometimes litigation.
The person you are closest to is not always the person best suited for the job. Sometimes the most capable person is the one who has been standing slightly outside the spotlight all along.
The good news – you don’t have to force one person into every role.
Thoughtful planning allows you to:
- Match responsibilities with strengths
- Separate roles when appropriate (financial vs. healthcare, during life vs. after death)
- Provide support or oversight where needed
- Maybe consider a non-family member or a corporate Trustee
In Sarah and David’s case, the family adjusted. Sarah handed over the finances to David who took the lead on the financial side, bringing structure and confidence to the process. Sarah continued to handle the communication and coordination the role she was already naturally filling. Once the responsibilities aligned with their strengths, things moved forward efficiently.
Estate planning is not just about documents and money. It’s about people. It’s about recognizing that avoiding hurt feelings in the moment can sometimes create bigger challenges later
Because the goal isn’t just to have a plan in place. It’s to have a plan that works for the people who will have to carry it out.
